If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
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