I hate all girls vehemently.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
