The maid of honor just puked.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
