I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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