wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
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