does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
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I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
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And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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