You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I am one with the molecules
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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