i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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