So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
