I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
God I need to hump something, right now.
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