conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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