She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
