Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
