it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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