so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
