she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
