I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Randomize
