dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Send help, water and tortillas.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
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