remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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