Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
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A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
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I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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