I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
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The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
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She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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