when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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