Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
home. puking in laundry basket.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
