Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
