Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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