my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
