how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
