I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
