These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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