the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish I only lived at night.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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