I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
