Please, let me fuck your mom
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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