Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
