When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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