Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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