You really coming over, don't trick.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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