did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
