what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
