Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
