i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
