After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
