Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
