There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
This is the high leading the old right now
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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