Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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