R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
