her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
