the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
