what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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