this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
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