mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
