Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm at about main and main street
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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