OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
