Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
