Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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