Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
