How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
