Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
