i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
