im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
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Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
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Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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