if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize