conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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