Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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