im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
